Harry Potter vs Twilight
by Melissa Valentine
Summary: Disclaimer: This is a spoof off Twilight by Stephenie Meyer and Harry Potter by JK Rowling. I don't own any of the characters. Usually there are two sides to every story...now both stories have turned against each other, all enmity lost to kick some ass
1. Chapter 1

Harry sighed. This just has not been his day. First Voldemort tried to kill him _again_ [doesn't that thing get old?], and now these sparkly things came here...so tedious. He flexed his wand arm and practised his sparks.

"Bella, my love," murmured Edward, his chagrined face devoid of a chuckle. "Be safe, for I cannot live without you!  
"Um. Yes." Said Bella under her breath. After getting knocked up on her Honeymoon and her previous stalker [though not her current husband – the sexual harasser] now lusting after her daughter, she felt pretty pissed off. How she wished she didn't choose a vampiric life forever for her first, high school boyfriend, and instead went to college and...achieved something. Besides her adorable child, of course.

"Rosalie." Said Emmett, looking annoyed. "Will you please stop being angry that Edward doesn't like you? He's a homophobe, you know that."  
"What?"  
"Well...what's the word for liking humans?"  
"Homosapien...liker." Emmett's chagrined face showed deep embarrassment.  
"Er...?"  
"I don't know! The author is lazy! Whatever. Edward is such a loser. How evil of him, how dare he not like me!"  
Rosalie crouched and practised lunging at marble statues of Edward [she couldn't tell which was the real one].

Snape hissed angrily. How terrible. Usually there are 2 sides in a story...now both stories are against each other, all enmity left in order to prove which is better. And who was I to fight? The old guy, that's who! The one who was supposedly a 'vampire' but had a career as a doctor, frequently working with blood! "Ughh," he muttered angrily over the potion he was brewing. He was brewing at least 10 potions at the moment, in order to fight off the vampires with enough to go around. Because the stupid vampires are – vampires – the potions must be those that do not need to be swallowed. It was damningly annoying. His only consolation was that he could fight with his wife, Kay. Snape stirred silently.

To be continued by Anne Mouse


	2. Chapter 2

The Volturi sat in the dungeons, feeling quite unnerved. After the war was announced, they immediately set to fighting and gathering warriors. Marcus, Aro and Caius sat on the high chairs, thinking about tactics and moves. Their best fighters, Jane, Alec and Chelsea were practising on each other. At the moment, Jane and Alec were going at it, Jane hissing furiously as Alec blinded her. "You're not as hot as you think you are, Jane," said Alec, to provoke her. It worked; she pounced on him, her attempts at torturing his mind lost; she was gonna rip that smarmy bastard to pieces. Alec ducked her easily – her chagrined scream of anger was enough warning. He laughed as she sprawled on the ground.  
Marcus stood up. "Play nice, kids." He said. "I honestly don't know why this is happening...it's very obvious which one is better, so why?"  
"Why, dear Marcus," said Aro cheerfully. "It's because the side that knows it's worse won't admit it! We must prove it to them, once and for all."  
Marcus mulled that over. "Agreed."

Pavarti and Padma sighed and sat with Lavender, anticipation in the air. There were several months of preparation [for, in the Twilight world, to make things simpler, there was adequate time to practise and have kick-ass moves, and even though your competitors were much more advanced than you and had thousands of years to practise, you still scare them], but they felt bored shooting spells at stone statues [since they were great replicas of vampires], though watching them explode in thousands of sparkles [also a great imitation] like fireworks, or crackers on Christmas. Lavender sighed.  
"Seamus asked what you were doing on Saturday, Pavarti..." sighed Lavender dreamily, her mind obviously elsewhere.  
"Oooh...but no...what's-his-name from Beauxbatons is still writing to me, he wants to get together as well...maybe in a month or two, when I ditch him..."  
Padma was staring at a crystal ball. Even though Pavarti was the psychic [supposedly], she was still interested in the misty shapes in the frosted sphere. Her eyes glazed dreamily, she flopped her head to the side and shot a spell without looking at a bottle, which promptly exploded. The three girls shielded themselves from the shards, and sighed again in angst, thinking about the eminent fight.  
"Stupid, sparkly vampires." They muttered in unison.

Alice bounced away from Jasper, who bounded at her. "Nuh uh, I saw that!" she cried happily.  
"Alice, c'mon." Said Jasper sadly, feeling chagrined. "You're wounding my ego!"  
"Suck it up like you did that doe! Let's go again." Jasper lunged at Alice angrily, but in a lightning quick move, Alice dodged his attack and tripped him. She laughed as he sprawled on the floor.  
"You," said Jasper ruefully, "Have been spending too much time with Rosalie."

Angela smiled at the memory of last Saturday. She and Ben took her little brothers to the beach down at La Push. She was happily anticipating the fight. She would not, of course, hurt her competitors – she would simply incapacitate them. Though she was slightly worried by the information delivered to her by the slightly freaky Aro, who had strange creepy old man tendencies and looks, but she had gotten used to the idea.  
_Sparkly Vampires_, she thought, practising her kick boxing. _Who'd have thunk it?_


	3. Chapter 3

Ron and Hermione sat at the lakeside, the Giant Squid catching Twisties wrappers with it's tentacles, then throwing them straight into the nearby garbage bin [for those who couldn't do vanishing charms yet] after realising they weren't food. Many students were watching in amusement, eating chocolate frogs or licking an every-flavour bean in apprehension and giggling when they realised what it was.  
Ron and Hermione weren't like these students, though they were too using their tongues. Ron wrapped his arm around Hermione and stared deeply into her eyes.  
"What are you doing?"  
"I...I'm trying to be romantic!"  
"Well, stop it! You can be romantic some other time." Hermione smiled at the bemused Ron, pressing her lips to his in a fluid movement.  
"I don't know what that Sparkler is thinking, letting Bella fight with you. She's...well, be gentle. They're just Sparklers, after all." Ron had gotten unbelievably soft in his time with Hermione. She thought it was quite an accomplishment. Hermione had also changed – it seemed they both had for the other, and were now just as opposite as before.  
"Ah, see. We've got to go. Let's go join Harry in the library, eh? We've gotta study to beat the Sparklers – though I think we can beat them already pretty much –"  
"Ooh, the library! Let's." They moved through the grounds of the well-worn Hogwarts castle, amongst those who were also practising their moves for the upcoming event, or else enjoying the warm spring day. _Spring_, thought Hermione in surprise. _Usually it's at the end of the year for a nice big build up and Harry angst-ing. Oh well._

"_Dudley!_" Screamed Uncle Vernon, in one of his rants again. Dudley sighed. He had just taken home a wrestling trophy, but the world was in a frenzy, so no one noticed. "Move that blasted pointy, gold, shiny thing! We're bloody going to fight with...with some of _their_ lot."  
"Vern – _on_," said Aunt Petunia, pouting. "Must we? The Andrels are coming and you _know_ we owe them for last week's dinner."  
"Petunia." Uncle Vernon's lips quivered. "Do you want those damned glitter freaks to win this?"  
"N-no, of course not – "  
"Do you _want_ this world to disappear under a world of GLORIOUS AND DAZZLING – "  
"And dazzlingly glorious," intercepted Dudley quietly.  
" - SPARKLY VAMPIRES?! NO! I refuse to lose to those...those creatures, even if it means having to socialise with _their_ lot – "  
"I realise that, Vernon." Petunia snapped straight back. "But I already made a pot roast, I didn't think we'd actually go – "  
"Pot roast? I could do with some pot roast." Dudley licked his lips.  
"Oh, sweetie! Of course you can have some. It's in the kitchen. Use the mits."  
"_Use _the mits?" said Dudley indignantly. "I just won first place!"  
"Sorry, dear." Apologised Aunt Petunia, rushing to get the pot roast out. "I was caught up." She cut the roast and slipped a thick helping onto a plate. She passed the plate to Vernon and pushed the tray to Dudley. "Eat up, duddiekins! I hope it's enough."  
"Damn Meyerpires," growled Uncle Vernon woefully.


	4. Chapter 4

Fred, George, Percy and Penelope were all congregated in the Gryffindor common room along with Katie Bell and Angelina Johnson [McGonagall let Penelope in – she says that now, it's not House vs House, it's Book vs Book, and everyone in said Book must stick together, no matter who they are], experimenting with Dr Filibuster's fireworks. Since meyerpires needed to be torn apart then burnt, they were creating a firework from Dr Filibuster's that achieved this in one. It was very efficient and saved you 50% of your galleons.  
At least, that was what Fred and George were doing. Percy and Penelope were sitting on the floor near the fire, acting cutesy-wootsy [now that the entire series was under siege, Percy decided it was okay to sit on the floor, as long as he was in his pyjamas and not his uniform], in their supposed last moments together. Fred and George looked at this, disgusted. Bored waiting for their friend Lee Jordan, who was off getting supplies for the many combatants, they fired a firework into the direction of the fire [they felt repetition was necessary], and watched gleefully as Penelope and Percy shrieked, Percy loudest of all, and ducked for cover behind the couch.  
Angelina, Katie, Fred and George roared with laughter as they saw Lee Jordan come back, his arms laden with merchandise and various supplies.  
"Bring it on, glitter boy," grinned Fred.

Madam Maxine and Hagrid stood outside Hagrid's hut. With them was Draco Malfoy, Ginny Weasley, Crabbe and Goyle, Colin and Dennis Creevey and Pansy Parkinson. Accompanying _them_ was Dumbledore, who was smiling over his half-moon glasses, which rested on his crooked nose. Along with their defence tactics, taught to them by Dumbledore himself [there was no point in hiring a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, since his normal Headmaster duties did not matter in this particular situation], Hagrid was teaching in a loud voice, as the students assisted in training the magical creatures selected for the fight.  
In line were several Unicorns, the purest white, the entire Centaur herd, looking pissed off, dozens of nifflers, contained in a field where they were digging up lost treasures ["So _that's_ where my remembrall went!"], all of the Hogwarts Thestrals, all the dragons from the series [Norberta, the Norwegian Ridgeback, the Chinese Fireball, the Welsh Green, the Hungarian Horntail, the Swedish Shortsnout] with Charlie Weasley standing by, looking nervous.  
"Alright, yer gonna have ta – "  
"Hagreed, why don't you leet Dumblydore speak?"  
"Why?"  
"Zee autherr cannot continue to write like dees."  
"Righ'." Hagrid nodded to Dumbledore, who looked pleased.  
"Excellent. Now, nifflers look for shiny things. We plan this fight on a sunny day, so the nifflers will attack the sparklers. Any questions?"  
"What if it rains?"  
"Then we make it NOT rain. We're magic, you know!" Dumbledore beamed at them. They set to work, and at the end, they were each given a vile.  
"What's this?" asked Cho, looking at it apprehensively.  
"Onion juice!" cried Dumbledore, smiling as they all cringed.  
"Why?"  
"It'll get into your bloodstream, so long as you drink it every night until the fight. Don't you read Louis Sachar? Vampires _hate_ onions."


	5. Chapter 5

James and Laurent were both crouching, in a fighting stance. Victoria watched, unconcerned, as they lunged at each other. She blinked in annoyance when James threw Laurent like a rag doll in front of her.  
"James." She snapped.  
"_Laurent_!" cried Irina, who was standing nearby. "Oh, baby, darling, dear! Even though you were trying to kill James, I am still mad at him for trying to kill you! Now I'm not gonna help in your ultimate need for help, James."  
"Who the hell is this, Vicky?"  
"I don't know. Kill the bitch." Said Victoria, inspecting her nails. "We don't need her. She's not fighting anyone, I don't think..." Victoria paused. "Oh, wait...she's fighting that idiot Pansy. Her voice is too high for my liking. I will kill her for seconds." Victoria stood gracefully, and glared at Irina.  
"You and your traitor boyfriend had better pull through for us. Verse me, James. And don't you dare hurt my nails."  
"Your nails have been the same forever, darling." Simpered James, looking chagrined, his chagrined face hinting chagrin.  
"Don't worry about them," murmured Irina in a soothing voice as Laurent rose, looking dazed. "They're just jealous."  
"How so?"  
"We Twilighters just insist somebody is jealous if they ever insult us or do anything at all not resembling love for Twilight."  
"What the hell are you talking about, Irina?" Laurent murmured, chagrin obvious on his face.  
"Oh, right, you died in the second book. Quit talking, I wanna watch." Irina sat down excitedly.  
James and Victoria circled each other in a circle, eyeing each other in distaste, amusement and lust.  
"I don't want to hurt you, Vicky."  
"Oh, dear. Let's go back to when we were born, eh? We'll talk in that dialogue."  
"Why?"  
"Just to annoy the author."  
"Indubitably, dear Victoria."  
They continued to circle each other, when finally Victoria, impatient, lunged at James, who caught her and threw her down. She sprang back up, glaring at James.  
"What happened to not hurting me? I mean, how does thou retreat on thou sacred promise?"  
"It's the 1700s, baby. Women don't matter." Victoria hissed with rage. Though this was a natural Twilight theme – anti-feminism and sexism – she was still annoyed since this was supposed to be _different_.  
"Why don't I just fight on the other side?" snapped Victoria.  
"What happened to old speaky talk?"  
"What happened to _women don't matter_?" Victoria ran at James, shoulder first, and tackled him to the floor. She proceeded to bite him everywhere she could reach.  
"Ooh, yeah, baby, I like it rough – " She slapped him, scratching his cheek, and venom dribbled out of his white flesh.  
"HEY! What the – "  
"What happened?" Laurent stepped forward, his cautious pose held as Victoria still looked mad. Maybe she turned while she had her period? That would explain a lot.  
"Well, the other day, a girl fell into a plot hole, she got scratched up pretty badly – if the venom acts like blood, to explain the whole baby thing in Breaking Dawn, then vampires must bleed venom, shouldn't they?"  
They all blinked in astonishment as this fact settled in.  
"Who is this so-called author? He needs to get a life."  
"_He? HE? _Who said it was a _he_?! It's a she, you egotistical, masochist _vampires!_"  
"Whoa, Vicky! Chill. What's going on?"  
"Don't you tell me to chill, you smarmy bastard! Coward! Running off to Denali when the going gets tough, then coming back to eat the skinny little bitch when the other vamps are gone! You know what? I'm done with it! FIGHT VOLDY ON YOUR OWN! I'm going to go and LAUGH AT YOU ALL! Maybe I should go hang with Hermione! SHE'D ACCEPT ME FOR WHAT I AM! A WOMAN!"  
Victoria stormed out. Very dramatic stuff. Possibly ruined by pointing it out.  
"W-well." Stammered Laurent. "At least you're not like that, Irina. All self-righteous and...and _equal-rights wanting_." Laurent shuddered. No one could really blame him – he was a Stephenie Meyer character, after all.  
James turned angrily at the author, who happened to be standing nearby. "Come on. You're being a little harsh – I mean, it's not that bad."  
"MAKE ME!" cried...myself. "It is so that bad you are just blinded by the so-called strong characters, like Alice, Rosalie and Esme! Read between the lines!"  
I jumped out of the picture, disappearing over a cliff of ink.  
All the characters shook their heads and returned to practise. _Harry Potter fans are so weird_, they thought.


	6. Chapter 6

Romilda Vane leapt gracefully from her bed, now in the Ravenclaw common room, since they have a kick ass view, and she could sleep wherever [it was close to that hot 5th year – mmm]. Luna Lovegood surveyed her in distaste, which was unusual for her, as she treated everyone in the same mild amusement.  
"Luna! We have to go practise," she giggled happily. The thought of going to the Great Hall to practise with all the others was an anticipated occurrence – all those cute boys.  
"Let's stay in the common room," suggested Luna. "The Great Hall is too crowded and a Scrater might come in, anyway."  
"What's that?" Romilda was not yet used to Luna's eccentricity - Luna had been stripped of fun if she was alone with Romilda – she just could not stand the annoying[ly] pretty girl - so continually questioned her absurd premonitions.  
"They're creatures greatly attracted to large gatherings," said Luna enthusiastically, eyes lighting up. "Though they are not particularly _harmful_, they might affect my wrackspurt siphons and axby trackers."  
"What are – "  
"Oh, look at the time! We'd better get down." Romilda and Luna made their way down the stairs, after getting dressed in blissful silence - Romilda was talking, of course, but Luna had plugged her ears with a deafening spell. Luna escaped Romilda hurriedly at the last step of the winding staircase.  
"Cho!" cried Luna, converging on the first person she saw. While Luna did not normally approach people first, Romilda might make her insane [she wasn't insane in the first place, contrary to popular belief], so she was prepared to try new things, since her last decision to stay to the old things [like her old room] had resulted in Romilda taking up residence there, and all the other rooms filled before she could change.  
"Hey, Luna," said Cho happily enough. Cho had taken a great warming to Luna, as Luna was always bubbly [well, happy, at least] and Cho was always thinking about her lost love, Cedric, and feeling sad. Luna always cheered her up. "You coming to practise?"  
"No thanks," said Luna, back to her mysteriously coolness, though without elaborating further, since a giggly friend of Romilda's, Ashley Haraway, walked up to Luna.  
"Romilda says...um...cover for her, like, for tonight." She began. "Like, cause, um, we're gonna go to the Hufflepuff common room for a party...so...um...if, like, you could do that. 'Cause. You know. She's your friend."  
"I have no idea what you said," replied Luna, glaring at the American exchange student, "but I don't think so. See, I'm gonna sleep over at Gryffindor. Maybe for a couple nights. Or forever. See, there are too many domilles in my room, since Romilda's been there, so I'll just sleep on their couch."  
"Wha?"  
"They're – "  
"Luna," interrupted Cho, rescuing her and earning her eternal servitude. "Let's start practise, okay?"  
Luna and Cho went out onto the grounds [Romilda had decided to stay in the common room, because the Scraters would 'totally mess up her hair'] and proceeded to duel. Cho's wand was knocked out of her hand after several minutes, and Cho blinked in surprise.  
"Oh, man! I need to concentrate. I am just so depressed..."  
"It's okay – here, borrow my wrackspurt siphon." Cho took the odd looking gadget so as not to hurt Luna's feelings, and felt more energetic. "I have an extra."  
Cho and Luna began to fight once more.


	7. Chapter 7

"I _cannot_ believe this," Leah hissed. They were all walking through the woods in human form, as they had just started practise and were still in people's view. "_I_ have to fight _Lupin_? What the hell type of name is that, anyway? Can't I fight Greyback? Why does Jacob get all the fun?"  
"Now, now, Leah," said Sam tiredly. It had been a long day. "We must play the cards we're dealt."  
Leah glared furiously at him until he hastily mumbled an apology.  
Collin and Brady sighed. They had never signed up for this. After knowing that they weren't even real _werewolves_, they were kind of pissed off. And what, they get mentioned _once_ in the book and have to fight?  
"We're all pretty tense," admitted Jacob. "But we have to calm down or we'll _never_ beat them! And you know I'm doing Bella in the forest every Tuesday – so we better finish by the end of the week!"  
"But Jacob, I thought you were with Nessie!" stammered Collin in surprise.  
"Oh, that, her therapist told her that our relationship was 'unhealthy'. Come on. She's 7, she can handle it...whatever. Like doing a guy you thought as your uncle before is _unhealthy_. What a quack, right?"  
"You've changed, man," said Brady, shaking his head. Jacob phased, his clothes tearing and ripping in anger. Sam Uley glared at him until he settled down.  
"Alright. Pair off – er, sorry Leah. Well, pick a partner. The odd one out can run around the forest – and we'll each have a go at that." Sam phased.  
_You mean,_ thought Leah furiously after she turned, _that I eventually have to partner with _YOU_?  
No! I mean, I...don't think so... _Sam sighed. He seriously resented imprinting.  
_You guys quit being such babies. I have to go..._  
_What, Jacob?! Why??  
Bella's free right now, that's why...Edward is practising or something like that...he doesn't seem to care that his wife is cheating on him...as long as it makes her _happy_, and I assure you it does.  
OH MY GOD DID YOU REALLY NEED TO VISUALISE IT?  
I'm out_

Voldemort stroked the giant snake, deep in his thoughts. These consisted mostly of; _God, I have to fight that pansy ass James, why won't that freaking Harry Potter die already _and _Bellatrix looks hot tonight. _The aforementioned hot chick was sitting on the floor, her eyes closed, wand sitting a few feet away from her.  
"What," Fenrir Greyback wanted to know, "are you _doing_?"  
"Meditating. I find that it helps me perform magic without my wand...or at least helps me draw my wand to me. Observe." She breathed in deeply and held out her hand – the wand lifted slightly, dragged along the floor and stopped halfway to her hand. Bella sighed. "I'm getting it, anyway. I have discovered that my previous actions were not acceptable, and I would apologise to the families of those killed had I not killed them as well. But it's a start."  
Voldemort stifled a groan. Nagini was jumpy – after having his head stuck back on with spello-tape for the sole purpose of this story, he was a little paranoid. It was very annoying, having been taken out of his natural habitat and been made a slave by some bald guy. Then have his head sliced off by that bad ass with a round face? It was quite overwelhming. Plus, his body seemed a little crowded ever since the bald guy decided he needed to be even _more_ immortal...neurotic much?  
"Fenrir," sighed Bellatrix. "Stop scratching yourself." For the purpose of this story, Fenrir Greyback had been turned into a werewolf for the time being even though it was not the full moon – the Twilight wolves can do it, why can't he?  
"It is so on." He growled.


	8. Chapter 8

The meyerpires were congregated up in the mountains, most of them sitting on the floor, all except Benjamin and Zafrina, who were fighting.  
"_Why_ are we practising on _each other_ again? Isn't the fight between the magical world and the meyerpire world?" Tia looked up at Zafrina, who looked a little pissed off. Well, why shouldn't she be? Ben, who had gotten all the cool powers, for some reason, did not cringe at all when she showed him pictures of the most horrifying incidents known to man.  
"_Because_," she snapped, whirling around to face Tia's chagrined face. "Who the hell else are we gonna practise on? If we can beat one of our own, we can beat anyone. Whatever..." Peter and Charlotte took one look at the chagrin on Zafrina's face, chuckled, murmuring once more to one another.  
"Did you eat?"  
"Oh...yeah...I feel _bloated_...those damn McDonald's kids are too fat for my liking..."  
"Let's make out, my love." And so they did.  
Benjamin was about to blow Zafrina to the floor with his super-cool control over the elements, when Zafrina suddenly showed him the worst possible thing you could ever show a man – or anyone, for that matter...  
"AH!!!" Benjamin clutched his head and fell to the floor. He writhed and screamed in agony. Zafrina flounced away, smirking.  
"What did you show him?" asked Tanya, as Kate ran to Ben's side.  
"I showed him Bella's birthing scene. In High Def."  
They all shuddered ever so slightly. Breaking Dawn was SUCH a fail.

Bathilda Bagshot stumbled clumsily from the kitchen, her eyes glued on a book titled, _Ways to destroy insensibly perfect vampires_ by _Eyeh Eight Myer. _She pursed her lips when the door rang, mumbling angrily to herself while she stomped to the door, book still in hand.  
"What?" she snapped. "I'm a busy woman, keep it short."  
"Well, hi!" The sales assistant with unnaturally white teeth beamed at Bathilda. "How are you today? Have I got a great deal for you!"  
"I don't want any." Bathilda was prepared to slam the door in the young man's face, but the smile was hypnotising. She could not look away.  
"Why, I'm sure I can change your mind! Listen to this; if you buy this beauty pack, not only will you be more beautiful than you already are, which is _quite_ amazing, I might add," he smiled at her again, "But I will _also_ throw in a completely _free_ eyelash curler! Though of course you might not need it, you could give it to a friend who is jealous of your good looks." Bathilda knew that he was paid to say these things, but she could not help but melt slightly when he flashed her an even more brilliant smile.  
"And," he went on, noticing Batilda's captivated stare, "5% of the profits go to charity!"  
"Which charity?" Bathilda didn't care much, but figured this was something to say while she was getting her cheque book out.  
"The RSPCF."  
"The what?"  
"The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Fish."  
"What a noble cause! Put me down for 7."  
"Ma'am, this is for the RSPCF, can't you do better than _that_?"  
"Sorry. 15."  
"Why thank you, ma'am! You'll be helping salmon and carp all around the globe be killed _without_ hurting too much."  
"Call me Bath." Bathilda smiled at him seductively, scribbling her name on her muggle cheque, all the while captivated by his enchanting smile.  
"Bath, then," he said, taking the cheque, and putting it into the bag filled with other money he'd managed to con out of old ladies. He walked down the path, while Bathilda leaned on her doorway and waved.  
"Such is life." He grinned when she was out of an earshot.

**NOTE: I'm getting the feeling not many people are getting this – just tell me what you don't get in the reviews and I'll explain. Also I'm getting the feeling not many people like it – chill the best and worst are yet to come**


	9. Chapter 9

"Carlisle," Esme smiled seductively, her lingerie swaying slightly. "Come to bed. We'll play doctor."  
"Not now, Esme!" snapped Carlisle, staring at several sheets of paper lying on his desk. "I'm checking Jacob's chromosomes."  
"What? What the hell for?" Esme pouted angrily. If he would take the time out of his day to check the werewolf's biology, why would he not check his sperm? She wanted kids so badly.  
"Well, you know. Curious."  
"Aren't you curious as to what's under these ... well, I suppose you can call them _clothes_." Esme smiled, but Carlisle continued to stare at the sheets.  
"Doesn't make sense...what was that, Esme? Look, Esme...sex...after turning...well, it's a little gross."  
"Ex_cuse_ me?"  
"Well. Think about it. It's cold, dry, won't stretch so there's not much room...it's...well, it's uncomfortable."  
"Carlisle."  
"What? I'm telling you the truth."  
"I hate that bitch Meyer...didn't she pass High School Biology? I mean, she has DOOMED me to an eternity of death!" That makes sense if you think about it.  
"Also, the kids can hear us when we...er...go at it."  
"What?"  
"Super sensitive hearing. Just as well we're an open-minded family. I mean, we let the kids play with each other..." Carlisle ran a hand through his hair. "Damn Meyer. Damn her."  
"I hope you mean that literally."  
"I do." Carlisle shut the light and crawled into bed. Esme smiled, but to her chagrin, Carlisle had brought a book. It was called, _How to eradicate annoyingly clever witches and wizards _by _King Lyk Srowling.  
_"I wish you got _me _ a copy of that." Esme growled.  
"Oh...but aren't you the mother stereotype that does nothing but cook and clean and be motherly? I didn't think you could read."  
Esme hissed. "Stupid, generalising Stephenie Meyer!"


	10. Chapter 10

The dungeon, being occupied by Snape, was unattainable. Horace Slughorn grumbled in his abnormally large office. He leaned back in his plush, purple chair, put his feet up on his desk and grabbed some crystalised pineapple, getting comfortable and less agitated every second. _Ah_, he thought happily, _this is the _life_! _The knock on the door startled him.  
"Come in," he called, moving his feet off of the desk and hastily shoving away the sweets, shuffling some papers to make it sound like he was doing work. McGonagall entered.  
"Ah, Horace," she said pleasantly. "Correcting the 5th year's work, I see? No matter, let me help – " she waved her wand and there were suddenly many red markings on the papers, which jumped up and stacked themselves neatly in a folder on the side of the desk.  
"Why, thank you, Minerva," said Slughorn nervously. "I was just about to do that."  
"Yes, I'm sure you were." McGonagall sat down primly on a hard, wooden back chair, even though there was a perfectly good and more comfortable couch next to it. They sat in an awkward silence for a moment, until Slughorn, obviously unable to take anymore, burst out with, "Why are you here, Minerva?"  
"Oh, right, yes!" cried McGonagall, uncharacteristically flustered. "I...er..." Slughorn eyed her suspiciously, wondering what's happening, completely not expecting what would happen, which no one really could.  
"I was wondering if...er...you'd like to go to the Hog's Head and get some Firewhisky later on." She cleared her throat, and held up her chin, as though to recover what dignity she had left. She stood up, so as to make a quick exit, whatever his answer may be.  
Slughorn blinked in surprise, not quite sure what to say. Had this been a professional outing, McGonagall would have not asked it in such a nervous fashion.  
"I...er..." Slughorn stammered. He was still processing this new-found information.  
"Oh, heavens, you mustn't think – oh, no! I was simply asking as friends – I mean, professionals, not even friends. But I can see you are busy. I'll leave you to it then." McGonagall left so quickly it was like she disapparated.  
Slughorn blinked again, this time in confusion. What was _with_ this author?


	11. Chapter 11

Charlie sighed lazily in his favourite couch. After the house had been cleaned and the house work completed, he was pretty exhausted from watching the game while Bella and Sue were cooking dinner. It was a gruelling process for them, but it was a sacrifice he was willing to make, since the dinner that took 4 hours to make was simply delicious. Sue really knew how to cook.  
"Charlie, darling," smiled Sue. "Did you enjoy your dinner?"  
"It was delicious, love," said Charlie. He paused, and hesitantly added, "What do you think of Edward Cullen?"  
"Ed?" said Sue confusedly. "Well. He's a Cullen, you know. I immediately have to hate him, because of my culture, you see."  
"Oh? Well, I think he's a little stalkerish." Charlie used his utmost police abilities to have figured this out. "I think he's older than he makes out to be! It's probably nothing. I'll just let them make out in the middle of the night...I won't bother them, the little kids!"  
"Didn't they have a baby already, Charlie?"  
"Quiet, woman!" snapped Charlie, who was satisfied with this explanation, which was not even one. "Scoop the potatoes," he added in a gentler voice.  
Sue grabbed the spoon. "Yes, sir."


End file.
